One of my favorite movies is The Sandlot. I like it so much that when friends of mine have said they’ve never seen it, I will make them watch it. This is a fact. It’s also a very quotable movie, “You’re killing me, Smalls.” I find it kind of odd/amazing that not one of those kids ever went on to success as an adult actor or got arrested and had a mugshot on TMZ. The latter part is really impressive considering there were 9 of them, and being former child stars, the odds are certainly stacked against them. I’m going to make it my mission to find out what happened to them.
Scotty Smalls
He has a movie coming out this year that co-stars Weiner Dog from Welcome to the Dollhouse. He was also in Mystic River and lot of other things, so it’s good that he’s still a working actor. According to his imdb page he had a kid at age 18. Let’s just hope he doesn’t end up the Eddie Furlong route owing thousands of dollars in back child support payments. Below is a recent photo.
Benny ‘The Jet” Rodriguez
Every girl wanted him and every boy wanted to be him. Fact. Plus he was super nice and a baseball superstar. He was just too good to be true. He quit acting and became a firefighter, which is super hot. He’s also married and has 2 kids, how typical.
Hamilton “Ham” Porter
Every kids’ movie about sports has to have a token fat guy. Ham was also in that soccer movie, The Big Green. He’s now married and is a Scientologist. Why is every other random actor and their mother drinking that Kool-Aid these days? He’s still kind of acting. And creepily looks exactly the same.
Michael “Squints” Palledorous
He surprisingly played a bully on the awesome but short lived show, Freaks and Geeks and also did a guest stint on the Gilmore Girls. His most recent credit was playing Squints in a direct to video Sandlot sequel. You’re killing me, Squints.
Alan “Yeah-Yeah” McClennan
So, I guess I lied about none of them ending up on TMZ. Ding, ding, ding, we have a winner. Apparently he was in Vegas for St. Patrick’s Day and was sleeping off a hangover in his hotel but the maid thought he was dead. He was also arrested in 2009 for allegedly smacking his girlfriend. Yeah-yeah, that’s a big no-no. It’s a shame cause he turned out to be pretty hot.
Kenny DeNunez
He hasn’t done a whole lot of acting since the Sandlot and the Mights Ducks movies. He’s now also a rapper by the name of B. Lee.
Bertram Grover Weeks
Another one who quit acting. He’s now a band manager which is pretty cool.
Tommy Timmons
So far, this is going to be the toughest one to track down anything on. He hasn’t done any acting since the Sandlot. Not even a guest spot on Full House. Even the wonders of google can’t find anything on him. Below is the most recent pic I could find but I don’t even think it’s him even though everyone on the interwebs insists it is. Either way it cracks me up so I had to share.
Timmy Timmons
Another one who’s info is coming up short. Those sneaky Timmons brothers. I found a LinkenIn profile, but I don’t want to creep in case it’s not him. Once again I don’t really think that below image is him but it’s ALL I could find. It looks more like that virgin cowboy from the second season of The Real World. I’m beginning to think there are people out there who bear a slight resemblance to some obscure child star and take a picture of themselves and slap it on the internet. Let’s be serious, who else besides me would actually question it.
Well that was pretty anti-climactic. It’s good they all turned out ok, but really I wanted to uncover a lot of major dirt. That’s all right, there are plenty more random celebrities for that. Hey, doesn’t the Today show reunite cast of old sitcoms? Why don’t they start doing that for movies. The Sandlot could be their first installment. I’m considering going on a hunger strike until that happens.
Going off of what I posted about yesterday, I’d now like to reveal things that should become a reality.
Boo the Dog does a guest stint on Degrassi
I’m a big fan of Degrassi, but it’s gone way downhill as of late. I don’t have high hopes for the upcoming season, but they’ve surprised me in the past. Honestly, I’ve already invested so much of my time in the previous 11 seasons, that I feel I need to stick it out. For my own sanity though, it needs to end soon so I can carry in with the rest of my life. However, if the writing continues to be lame, at least with an adorable distraction like Boo, I can be forgiving. Plus, I’d rather watch Boo sleep for 4 hours straight than another episode devoted to that awful Katie. Vom.
Taco Bell brings back the 7 Layer Crunch Wrap
I don’t care if fast food is bad for you, every once and a while, I just crave it. Hey, I’m only human. Sure I’ll hate myself for about 20 minutes to an hour after having it, but typically I’m at the mall or something when it happens, so I’ll make sure to climb the escalator instead of coasting it to get some extra cardio in. And for weight lifting, carrying around shopping bags filled with platform heels and bangle bracelets also does wonders. Seriously, the 7 Layer Crunch wrap was 7 layers of amazingness. The fact that it was available for a limited time only makes me shed a tear. If there’s a big enough following on this matter, someone should start a petition to bring it back.
A Hello Kitty amusement park opens in the US
If this were to happen, I’d totally plan my next vacation around it. It’d be awesome. Alas, if I want to party with HK and friends, I’ll have to either go to the Sanrio park in Japan or wait until the Hello Kitty park opens in China in 2014.
The Jamaican Bobsled team wins an Olympic gold medal
Who doesn’t love a great underdog story? Cool Runnings is an awesome movie, but it’s not entirely factual in the sense that the real story states the Jamaicans were welcome with open arms during their first Olympics. I can overlook this because that movie includes Sanka Coffee’s Jamaican Bobsled song, which is coincidentally the best original movie song ever. Besides, if there was no conflict it would have been a really boring movie. Even still, it would be all kinds of fantastic if the Jamaicans won the gold at the next winter Olympics.
Adele and Taylor Swift date the same guy and then write and perform a song about him
Fact: if you date and then subsequently spurn either of these women you will be the subject of at least one of their songs. But imagine if they dated the same guy and then collaborated on his d-bagness? Holy moly that would be epic! I’m counting on John Mayer to make this happen, since he already burned Swift. He’s a big enough man-whore for the job. Don’t let me down, Mayer.
I’ve been thinking a lot about if certain things happened and how annoyed, angry, and or upset they would make me. If any of the following actually happened I may have to be committed.
A movie starring Michael Cera and Kristen Stewart
I’ve already gone into detail about how I’d rather watch paint dry than watch Kristen Stewart act. Mainly because most of the time she looks constipated and her attitude in interviews just kind of sucks. Cera is this generation’s Tony Danza. Yeah, I went there. He only plays himself. Hollywood tries to cover this up by switching up his characters’ names, but I’m not buying it. What’s even more aggravating is people make him seem like he’s a comic genius. No, he’s not. At least Danza kept up guessing Who’s the Boss for 8 seasons. What has Cera done besides act awkward? That’s what I thought. I’d rather watch an hour long special about Kim Kardashian getting a manicure than see these 2 interact. At least with the Kardashian special there’s a 70% chance Kanye West will make a cameo.
English Bulldogs becoming extinct
I don’t care if these dogs have been deemed “walking death sentences” they’re the cutest breed. Ever. It’s very unfortunate that they have short life spans and a lot of health problems, I’d save them all if I could. I don’t even want to think about a world without them. If that’s ever the case, there’s no hope for humanity. None.
Toddlers and Tiaras getting cancelled
This show is my favorite train wreck and if it ever went off the air, I’d be one sad panda. Especially because since Whitney Houston’s passing I’ve had to put my impression of her into semi-retirement. Until Lindsay Lohan or Amanda Bynes do a hot mess interview with Diane Sawyer, my celebrity impressions are limited to T & T contestants. My Honey Boo Boo and McKenzie ones are pretty impressive. Besides, there are plenty more obese woman hoping to live vicariously through their offspring in the pageant circuit.I don’t see this going off the air anytime soon thankfully since “The Learning Channel” is now producing a spin-off starring Alana “Honey Boo Boo” called, “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.” Ain’t that America.
Dunkin Donuts going out of business
I can’t speak for the rest of America about running on Dunkin. But I certainly do. If they ever went out of business it’s a sure sign the Apocalypse is nigh.
E.L James and Stephenie Meyer collaborating on a book
50 Shades of Grey and Twilight were bad enough as separate entities. But if these 2 broads ever team up to write a book about a dumb, klutzy, annoying chick with no redeeming qualities yet every man finds irresistible, who falls for a vampire with a red room of pain, let’s just say book burning should come back with a vengeance.
Of course Hollywood has to get a piece of the action by buying up the movie rights to 50 Shades of Vomit. Not only is E.L. James a horrible writer, she also received 5 million dollars for the movie rights alone. No talent wench. I’m not bitter though, I promise. My question is, how is prude Hollywood going to make this into a marketable film? Sure, things may seem all loosey goosey, but there’s still the ratings system to think about. Didn’t Hollywood get all in a tizzy over 1 sex scene in Blue Valentine and threatened to slap it with a NC-17 rating? How in the hell are they going to stay true to the material of 50 Shades and not make it a straight up porn? Pretty dude from Lost and Twilight the CW series as well as some blonde guy from True Blood have already made it public that they want the role. Fellas, I get that there’s a lot at stake here money wise but do you think casting directors can ever really look at you the same way if you’ve starred as Christian Grey, the Dominant with a red room of pain and a crack whore mother, who makes such idiotic statements as “You taste mighty fine, Ms. Steele”? The answer is no, no they can’t. It could put those careers in serious jeopardy. You think people see R. Patz as anything but a sparkly vampire with a bad American accent? I know I don’t. Below are my picks for the movie cast:
Christian Grey:
Scott Baio
Now, I don’t care if he’s too old, hear me out with this one: he’s been with anyone from Pamela Anderson in her prime to Liza Minelli. Ergo, he’s the only man proven to be dirty enough for the job. Back in the day Chachi may have been cute but he was never People’s Sexiest Man material. Fact. So how did he bag every Playmate from 1979 through 1992 without fail? Conclusion: he has his own red room of pain.
Anastasia Steele:
Amanda Bynes
Ana is annoying and stupid, just like most of Amanda Bynes’s past roles. She starts out being all sweet and innocent. Just like Bynes had everyone fooled with her squeaky clean “role model” image. Then Ana meets Christian and turns out to be scandalous. AB got herself a DUI, shame, shame. Plus she could use the money to do something about that hair. Sweet Tarts are not found in nature, so you shouldn’t color your hair like one.
Kate
Sienna Miller
She’s blonde and….there. Just like Kate, Ana’s roommate.
Jose
Lou Diamond Phillips
Jose is supposed to be Mexican according to the book. He also has an affinity for tequila and tries to take advantage of his friend Ana when she’s drunk. Every other line he has is, “Ay Dios Mio Ana!” No, Ms. James does not play into stereotypes. At all. Nobody plays a better cholo than Lou Diamond Phillips. Nobody. Also, he’s Hollywood’s go to when they need to fill in role of Hispanic person. Young Guns, La Bamba, the list goes on so I won’t. Just imdb him.
Mrs. Jones
Betty White
I would have said my go to old lady choice, Maggie Smith, but then I found out through the amazing tumblr, 50 Shades of Suck: http://50shadesofsuck.tumblr.com/ that Mrs. Jones, Christian’s housekeeper cleans his toys and whatnot from the red room of pain. There’s only 1 old lady dirty enough for that job. You go, Betty.
Taylor
Steve Wilkos
I know he’s not an actor, but I don’t think this character: a bodyguard, confidant, chauffeur, whatever to Christian has any lines. I’m not even sure that’s the character’s correct name, but I don’t care enough to double check.
Ana’s Subconscious
Kristen Stewart
Apparently Anastasia Steele is a modern day Sybil, she’s always talking about her subconscious admonishing her for being a sloot. Apparently her subconscious is a real Debby Downer. Who better than the poster child for Prozac herself: Kristen Stewart. Seriously, this chick’s monotone 1 note acting is only good for something so stupid like Ana’s “subconscious.” And smile, bitch! Jeez, if you think your life is “so hard” let’s trade places. I’ll gladly trade student loan payments and Ramen noodle dinners for a couple papparazzi photos and a few million dollar paychecks. Despite being another no-talent hack, at least E.L. James is all smiles over her good fortune. You could learn a thing or 2 from her, KStew and I’m not talking about the Dom/Sub lifestyle.
Anastasia’s Inner Goddess
RuPaul
In addition to her subconscious, we frequently hear from Ana’s “Inner Goddess” who at times dresses like a cheerleader and says things like, “You go girl!” I didn’t finish the trilogy but I bet Inner Goddess threw out a “You better work!” too. RuPaul as Anastasia’s Inner Goddess would be the ultimate selling point to see the movie. Truth.
Ladies and gentlemen, The Hunger Games has been dethroned from the bestseller list by porno fan fic. Yes, you read that right. It’s loosely based off of the Twilight franchise, was featured on the Today show and is being peddled as “mommy porn.” Oh and the author looks like this:
Anyway, my roommate picked up the book and I regrettably drank the Kool-Aid. While I wanted to see what all the hype was about and it gave me a good laugh because it was so awful it was awesome there were times when I had to put it down and not look at it for like 2 hours. How did this crapola get published? It wasn’t even hot, some of it was just downright disgusting. I won’t spoil it if you really want to read it and also because I may spew everywhere if I type it out, but if you really want to know what I’m referring to, I suggest looking up the band L7 and their 1992 controversy. Needless to say I read the first one just to see, but I absolutely refused to finish the trilogy. Not only because it should be called 50 Shades of Vomit with regards to some of the material and also the dialogue between the 2 main characters but also because the plot line is SO ridiculous. Does this woman have NO concept of time? How can all of this go down in only like a week’s time period. I spent a good 3 years of my life watching the soap opera Passions and 50 Shades makes that look like Masterpiece theatre. So just how far will I go to avoid reading the other 2 books? I present a list of 50 things I’d rather read than finish the 50 shades trilogy.
1. Letters to Santa Claus
2. Stephanie Tanner’s memoir, Unsweetened
3. Closed captioning of a Teletubbies episode
4. A paper on animal testing I wrote with a hangover the size of the Good Year Blimp my sophomore year of college
5. Kate Moss’s grocery shopping list
6. The entire Sweet Valley series (from Sweet Valley kids to Sweet Valley High and every spin-off in between)
7. A Tiger Beat article about Justin Bieber’s favorite candy
8. Instructions on how to assemble an Ikea desk (in English and Swedish)
9. The ingredients label on a package of hot dogs
10. Stats on this season’s starting line-up of the Pittsburgh Pirates
11. A bran muffin recipe
12. Rosacea pamphlets
13. Toby Keith lyrics
14. The end credits of Glitter
15. The screenplay for Gigli
16. A stack of Thomas Kinkaid greeting cards
17. An unauthorized Don King biography
18. A pack of Magic the Gathering cards
19. The nutritional information on a jar of mayonaise
20. A flyer for a Fashion Bug (aka Trashion Bug) sale
21. A warranty for a Black & Decker appliance
22. Chicken Soup for the Inmate Soul
23. A Q&A with Tom Arnold
24. The 1987 Detroit Lions roster
25. Doogie Howser’s computer journal log
26. An ad for Psoriasis cream
27. A dumb sorority chick’s diary
28. Tyra Banks’s Modelland
29. A Big and Tall catalog
30. An Arby’s menu
31. One of Madonna’s childrens books
32. A pet iguana owner’s manual
33. Rosie O’Donnell’s craft book (this really exists, I looked it up)
34. A blog about hunting
35. Les Miserables (in French)
36. Snooki’s book
37. Stephanie Meyer’s one and only non-Twilight book
38. The food journal of a Biggest Loser contestant
39. The medal count for the 1984 Los Angeles Summer Olympics
40. Roger Ebert’s review of Point Break
41. A user manual for a lawnmower
42. Directions to the Leaning Tower of Pisa (in Italian)
43. A copy of the unofficial ‘Nsync story
44. A sixth grader’s book report on a Goosebumps story
45. A self help book for divorcing parents
46. The rules and regulations of a Catholic high school
47. The memoir of Erica Kane from All My Children (Yes a memoir of a fictitious character exists)
48. Production notes from the pilot episode of Emily’s Reasons Why Not (canceled after 1 episode)
49. Status updates for a pet’s Facebook account
50. A religious e-mail stating if you do not forward to at least 20 people bad things will happen
If there’s one thing this show excels at, it’s adding characters like a polygamist adds wives. Honestly, I can barely keep track anymore. But I’m gonna try my hardest. This should be the last installment until they add 52 more next season.
Declan Coyne
Declan is the son of a diplomat is wealthy, suave, and sophisticated. He was pegged a ladies’ man until Holly J. stole his heart. After a while she didn’t like being a kept woman so they parted ways. Who knows if they rekindled at Yale since they’re both off the show now. Side note: Declan kind of looks like Harry Potter with weird eyebrows.
Fiona Coyne
She’s Declan’s twin sister and before she became a lesbian there was a lot of speculation of twincest going on. After she got over her brother she started dating a Levi Johnston doppleganger who turned out to be abusive. In order to help deal with this, she took up drinking and was shipped off to rehab after successfully pressing charges against Levi. In rehab she discovered she’s a lesbian with feelings for Holly J. That should make for awkward family holidays. She’s still on the show because she got held back a year for missing so much school for rehab. Oh Fifi.
Jenna Middleton
As a self proclaimed boyfriend stealer, Jenna came on the scene and stole KC right from under Clare’s nose. Sneaky, but karma has a way of finding you and she did, by knocking Jenna up. While pregnant Jenna still found time to compete on American Idol rip-off, Next Teen Star. Her teenage mother sob story didn’t pay off and she was quickly booted. Now that she’s given her baby up for adoption and free of her baby daddy, she can go back to writing songs and stealing more boyfriends. Jenna’s other major highlight was taking dieting pills and soiling herself as a side effect. Amazeballs.
Dave Turner
Dave was written as the new JT but it just doesn’t work. His attempts to be cool are usually thwarted. He’s also been peed on twice. What is it with these new kids and bodily functions? He also co-hosts a radio show with Adam. His longtime crush on Alli finally payed off when they started dating but then he broke up with her cause she was annoying. Over the summer he fooled around with some chick. Promos for upcoming episodes show that Dave tries to win Alli back but his summer fling comes back and looks to be a full-blown psycho! I really hope she’s complete Fatal Attraction mode otherwise I’ll have wasted yet another 40 minutes of my life on this idiotic show. I understand how stupid it is but I can’t stop watching, I fully admit to it.
Mark “Fitz” Fitzgerald
I don’t understand how half of the people promoted to main characters got there, but Fitz never received that status. Quite frankly, it still pisses me off. Name 1 stand-out thing Leia or Bruce have done? Fitz started out as a bully tormenting poor Adam and deservedly picking on Eli who is a complete menace. The rivalry between Fitz and Eli became so heated that Fitz pulled out a knife at the school dance and stabbed the wall next to Eli…lame. While he was away in juvie he found God and wanted to apologize to Clare and Eli but Eli wasn’t buying it. Fitz would have been the perfect candidate for a cult storyline, but oh no, he’s now in the black hole somewhere where neglected characters go to be forgotten.
Wesley Betenkamp
It has been proven time and time again on this show that nerds don’t get airtime. They just don’t. So why Wesley ever made the jump from plot device to main character is beyond me. He got tased by Dave, went on a date with Anya that ended in the ER thanks to taking enhancement pills called Happily Ever Laster, and eventually got a girlfriend in the form of a tall ginger. He hasn’t gotten much screen time as of late, surprise surprise.
Zane Park
Zane was Riley’s on-off boyfriend and other than being a mouthpiece for LGBT awareness , they never gave him much else to do. What a shame, he was so pretty too.
Eli Goldsworthy
Eli started out harmless enough as the Emo boy with feelings for Clare and drove a hearse, but as time went on he became more and more psycho. He’s broken into Fiona’s apartment, wrote a play and had a mental breakdown on stage over, and crashed his hearse for Clare. The actor who plays Eli is quite popular with most of the show’s fan base which is why he gets so much screen time. I don’t have a problem with that but I do have a problem with the youth of America and Canada making comments such as “Clare is such a bitch for breaking up with Eli. He crashed his car for her. I wish a guy would crash his car for me.” Apparently flowers and some jelly bracelets from Hot Topic aren’t enough to impress middle schoolers nowadays.
Adam Torres
Adam is a breakthrough character being the first main transgendered character to be featured on a TV show. However, since his break out episode, he’s since become a filler character popping up only when needed. I have to say though, the students of Degrassi are very dumb to not have known something was up with Adam. Instead they bought all along that he was a guy.
Bianca DeSousa
Currently the most awesome and totally underused character on the show. She started out as the generic bad girl, but once she had storylines, i.e. getting Drew to cheat on Alli with her in the boiler room, she had a lot more depth. Plus amazing one liners like, “Your boyfriend and I got intimate in the boiler room, but all my clothes stayed on.” Her and Drew were quite possibly the most epic couple in the show’s history. Bianca straight up killed her former gang bf in self-defense when they were together. Plus they dealt with gang warfare together. Then they had to break them up. Upcoming promos show him cheating on his horrible current gf with Bianca, which totally makes sense as Brew is endgame.
Drew Torres
Drew is the star quarterback, super popular, not book smart at all and looks like Taylor Lautner. I was super proud of Drew for cheating on annoying Alli with Bianca. and then he and Bianca finally started dating. Then the idiotic writers had to mess up a good thing and pair him with quite possibly the worst character ever featured on the show (more on her later). Until he cheats on her as promos have alleged to, I only like him when he’s doing stupid things like singing along to Bryan Adams with his stepbrother Adam.
Owen Milligan
Owen started out as a stereotypical jock and homophobe, not to mention SUPER CREEP! However, mad props to Owen for coming thisclose to turning Alli into a p-tute. He had a bit of a turn around when he started dating Anya and helped her with her cocaine problem. Other than that he hasn’t had much air time cause the writers only want to focus on the same 6 characters for some reason.
Marisol Lewis
Marisol is pure, pure evil. This chick has proven she would throw her own grandmother under the bus if it meant getting out of trouble. She’s best friends with horrendous Katie but that didn’t stop her from announcing to the school that Katie is a recovering bulimic. Even though Katie deserved it cause she sucks, that’s not being a good best friend. Marisol also had a fling with KC just after Jenna gave birth, what a homewrecker.
Jake Martin
Jake is a childhood friend of Clare’s who was introduced this season. They started dating. Then Clare’s mom and his dad decided to get married, that’ll awkardize things. They decided to try and still date on the DL and Jake almost took Clare’s V-card but decided it’s better to break up with her before then, otherwise afterward she’d be even more crazy and clingy. Jake likes building things, food, and plaid. Other than that he brings nothing to the table because the writers only like throwing new characters into relationship drama.
Katie Matlin
Words can’t even describe how much this character sucks. She’s supposed to be this over-achieving top dog, A student, and super athlete but she’s just bitchy and annoying. She used to be a bulimic and her BFF Marisol put it on blast when they both ran for class prez. Then Drew started dating her and he became completely boring. The reason why I prefer Marisol over her is because Marisol is a bitch and makes no qualms about it, but Katie’s completely two faced. This season she became addicted to painkillers. If the writers had any sense they’d either have her OD or ship her off to rehab permanently.
Imogen Moreno
Imogen was originally supposed to be a bit of a nutcase, posing as a homeless kid, compulsive lying, anything and everything to hide the fact that she’s just a normal kid. They kind of went that route with her crush on Eli but that’s definitely a watered down version of what could have been. Also, she’s totally going to grow up to be a middle school art teacher.
Mo Mashkour
Mo is the funny fat guy on the show. He ran against both Katie and Marisol for class president and should have won because those 2 hags are terrible. He doesn’t get much airtime because he’s fat, but should because his few and far between storylines don’t revolve around relationship drama like most of the characters that get more focus.
Tristan Milligan
Owen’s younger brother is sassy and fabulous. His a freshman this year and was given the genius nickname of Big Red by Bianca. He loves doing dance routines that involve a lot of jazz hands with his bff, Tori. He’s only been in a few episodes thus far but hes the best of the newest nine grade bunch so far.
Tori Santamaria
Tori is a former pageant girl and is now on the Spirit Squad. Every thing she does seems to revolve around her boyfriend Zig, even when he clearly doesn’t care about her and would rather be skateboarding. Other than being best friends with Tristan, she sucks and needs to stop getting so much screentime.
Maya Matlin
Maya’s a decent enough character, considering she’s brand new. But I’m docking her points for being Katie’s sister, that’s just the way it goes. She plays cello and wants to be different from her sister which I can understand. She also has a crush on Zig, which I don’t.
Zig Novak
I’m assuming Zig is supposed to be a new bad boy heartthrob type, but I’m not buying it. As of right now, all he does is skateboard and show up. Plus he has about as much personality as a sprig of parsley. If this is what the next gen is supposed to be into I fear for them.
Welcome to the struggling years. At this point, most of the beloved originals have left so they filled their void with new characters. The big problem with this show is they continue to add new characters that no one cares about, with little or no focus to ones that are already on. Not all of these newbies are duds, but there are more misses than hits with this group.
Holly J. Sinclair
Holly J. was the new HBIC, kind of like Paige 2.0. She started out as the character that everyone loved to hate but always had witty one-liners. Then she saved Spinner during a hold-up at the Dot and everyone loved her. She became super boring and lost her edge when she started dating Declan and then in an even more embarrassing move, the writers paired her with Sav. She developed a weird kidney disease that made her pee her pants during a presentation and it was only when she needed a transplant that she found out she was adopted. How did this chick get into Yale if she never figured that one out ’til age 18? She graduated valedictorian and shuffled off to Yale. It’s rumored she’s making a cameo at the end of the season.
Jane Vaughn
Jane was the punk looking girl that caught Spinner’s eye. When they were dating she helped him get through his cancer and he helped her with dealing with her bad dad when she found out he molested her as a tyke. But somewhere along the way she morphed into a skank and cheated on him with Declan. They made all these future plans but when Spin caught wind of her harlot ways he rightfully gave her the old heave ho. She was last scene moping around New York and trying to break up Spinner and Emma’s wedding to no avail.
Danny Van Zandt
Danny has been bopping around since the days of the originals as Liberty’s pesky little brother but it wasn’t until they graduated that he got major screen time. He started out being super annoying with fellow fro buddy Derek but eventually matured enough to be in a band with Spinner and Peter. Other highlights include being the target of racism, dating a compulsive liar, and graduating. He faded off into obscurity cause well, he was never very popular.
Derek Haig
Man this kid sucked. The one thing I will say is, they never waivered on that by trying to make him likable. First he made fun of a guy in a wheelchair then he beat up Jane when she wanted to play football. No wonder why Danny didn’t want to be associated with him anymore All in all he was a loser and I didn’t even noticed he was off the show until fan girls kept asking his whereabouts.
Kelly Ashoona
When Emma, Manny, and Liberty all conveniently went to the same college, they were separated which was fine by Manny and Liberty. But clingy Emma wouldn’t have it and she bitched and moaned. All they could get was a quad with a girl named Kelly. In a hilarious twist Kelly turns out to be a guy. I never saw that one coming! He dated Emma even after he took the fall for her marijuana possession in the dorms. He even stuck by her after she flunked out of college and started doing this unpaid bicycling gig. But when he started eating meat again her head exploded and he had enough of her hippie crap so he left for paid work in the corporate world and was never seen again.
Leia Chang
Yet another useless character. All she did was date Danny for a while and had a lame subplot about being a compulsive liar. Yawn.
Chante Black
She was another one that was on the scene with the originals but unlike Danny, she was barely relevant and almost never had any plots. Plus she bears a striking resemblance to Lil’ Wayne. She was the school gossip and stole longtime crush Danny away from Leia. And yup, that’s about it.
Anya MacPherson
If Holly J. is Paige 2.0 Anya was the white Hazel for a while. It took me a good 16 episodes to be able to tell Holly J. and Anya apart. Eventually she realized HJ’s evil ways were dragging her down so they parted ways as bff’s ’til HJ became nice. She was also on and of with Sav for about 5 centuries. Seriously, it got to be the most annoying storyline ever. Anya’s best plots involved LARPing and doing coke. Her mother’s cancer storyline would have made the cut had it not been for the idiotic plot turn of Anya trying to date a 25 year old doctor. Anya just recently left the show to join the military, good for her.
Sav Bhandari
Sav’s really hot until he opens his mouth. As the son of strict Muslim Indian parents he’s always trying to do the right thing, but it somehow makes him pretty douchey. He has an arranged marriage but that doesn’t stop him from constantly toying with longtime on-off gf Anya’s emotions. His whole relationship with Holly J. seemed forced and stupid. And his plot about dating media immersion teacher Ms. Oh? Ridic. A lot of people like Sav, I only fall into this category when the mute button is on.
Alli Bhandari
Sav’s younger sister is the new Manny of the show, except she’s quite possibly the most annoying and whiny character currently on. Before the uniforms came on the scene, she dressed in what she called “school clothes” that made her look like a contestant on RuPaul’s Drag Race. She had a crush on and dated Johnny DiMarco, though I don’t understand why. He’s greasy looking. She was involved in a sexting scandal with him and she lost her virginity to him in the ravine. He also thought he may have given her genital warts, vom. Sometimes Alli is tolerable, like when she was dating Dave but she always does something to screw that up and once again make her even more obnoxious. Her absolute worst was when she dated Drew. Thank God he had the sense to cheat on her with Bianca.
Clare Edwards
Darcy’s younger equally Christian sister Clare is basically the new Emma. She dated KC, Fitz had a thing for her, went out with Eli and most recently almost gave her V-card to her new stepbro, Jake Danielle Steele style. Honestly I don’t get why Clare is so popular with guys, she’s a Christian bookworm who dresses like a park ranger and the audience is supposed to buy that a majority of high school boys are into that kind of thing? For most of Season 8 she was still wearing her private school uniform to a public school. Lately she’s been even more mopey and completely intolerable. As much as I hate the whole E-Clare hoopla, she and Eli were at their best when they first got together.
KC Guthrie
KC started out as sort of the new Sean, taking in interest in good girl Clare, had a trouble past that he was trying to overcome. He was also in the gifted program and seemed to be both smart and athletic. But once he dumped boring Clare for fun-loving Jenna, his intelligence left the building. Things were not sunny for KC and Jenna for long when he got her preggers and left her high and dry. He saw the error of his ways and went back to Jenna and Baby Tyson was born, how sweet. Things weren’t rosy for very long cause Jenna was suffering some serious post-pregnant hormones so KC decided to fool around with Marisol. I was hoping lightening would strike twice for KC in that department but alas contraceptives were used. In one of Jenna’s finest moments she smacked KC with her guitar when she found out about his playboy ways and Social Services came a knockin’. Oh nos! Baby Ty was given up for adoption because Jenna had the good sense to realize they were too stupid to raise a child together. Now that he’s free as a bird he’s back to being smart, go figure.
Connor Deslauriers
Connor is actually one of the more interesting characters but gets very little screen time because he’s not a fan favorite of the 13 year old girls who make up the majority of Degrassi’s audience. Connor has Asperger’s and as a result has had a difficult time fitting in. On 2 separate occasions he pushed Alli Bhandari, so he’s aces in my book. He also had an interwebs gf that he met playing a World of Warcraft type game who turned out to be a 42 year old lady creep. Oh LoveQueen16 you need to come back on the scene with a vengeance. He also had a thing for stealing girls underwear for a while, but he was shipped of to Asperger’s Camp or something to help deal with it. Now he’s back and on the football team. Good for him. He’s good for another 2 appearances over the course of the next 32 seasons.
Johnny DiMarco
This greaseball was actually friends with the ginger who stabbed JT but didn’t do anything of note until Alli took an interest in him. He’s supposed to be really smart and sensitive but doesn’t want his fellow slacker friends to know that. He found a wart on his junk and thought he gave Alli STD pimples. Awesomesauce. He graduated but then popped up with a new haircut and looking like he finally showered when Alli ran away from home because no one was paying any attention to her whining. He seemed to be doing all right for himself at fictional Toronto University.
Bruce the Moose
Why was this dude ever made a main character? There have been extras featured on this show that made more of an impact. He never had a storyline. He doesn’t even have a last name! Besides looking a lot like Shrek, barking like a dog in the hallways, and being a total skeeze, he was of zero relevance to anything.
Blue Chessex
Blue started out as being this sensitive, mysterious, hot artsy guy who dated Holly J. for a grand total of 15 minutes. He eventually faded into the background as a yah-dude filler character. Kind of sad really, so much wasted potential.
Riley Stavros
Riley is gay. Riley also plays football and is into all kinds of other sports. Every episode focusing on Riley was about him struggling with his homosexuality and how it couldn’t be possible to be gay AND a jock. GASP! After about 17 episodes of this it grates on your nerves. I don’t know why Zane always took him back.
Moving on, I’ll continue categorizing the characters will the show was still in it’s glory days. All but 1 of these listed were considered main characters. The none main character included was just too good to leave. Please note, I don’t make these kinds of exceptions for just anybody. Moving right along
Hazel Aden
Label: 2nd banana mean girl
Whether she was following Paige around or being Jimmy’s girlfriend, no one played the role of 2nd banana better than Hazi. She only had 1 major storyline in which it was revealed she was Muslim, but was embarrassed by it so she instead pretended to be Jamaican. Apparently she and Jimmy were the longest lasting couple in the history of the show. I think it’s mostly because the writers forgot about Hazel half the time. Plus everyone knows that Hazel always loved Paige the most.
Craig Manning:
Label: Heartthrob
I begrudgingly have to give Craig this label because a lot of the girls on the show were into him and he did get a lot of play. But he was definitely a manwhore and an insane one at that! He started out his tenure innocently enough as a kid with an abusive dad. But then he became a rock star and slept his way around the high school. He was then diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and went off the deep end and kicked his stepdad’s ass. When he left Degrassi to pursue his music career he came back for a hot second as a coke head and all too often toyed with poor Ellie’s emotions. Whatta jackass.
Ellie Nash
Label: Goth
Gothy, moody, and a chronic cutter, but her dad was in the military and her mom was a raging lush who almost burnt their house down, so can you really blame her? Then her gay best friend tried to use her as his beard instead of coming out of the closet. She also had ambitions to be a journalist. Over the years she got less gothy and started dating her hot college newspaper editor when she went to University, but then he cheated on Ellie with her very own mentor. In typical spurned girl fashion she got drunk and proceeded to call now-former mentor a slut at a public Q&A. Awesome sauce. Ellie was last seen frolicking in Hollywood and running away from her problems of dealing with her dad’s PTSD, but in the end, she made amends with her parents.
Marco Del Rossi
Label: Gay guy
For his first few seasons Marco struggled with dealing with his sexuality and navigating relationship waters. When he finally came out to his friends, his parents, and the school, there really wasn’t much more for him to do except dole out advice and develop a chronic gambling problem. He was hate crimed until a pre-wheelchair Jimmy saved the day and dated hockey stud and Paige’s big bro Dylan for a while. He was last seen as a student teacher and bearing a similar haircut to Astro Boy.
Chris Sharpe
Label: Hot mess
Chris Sharpe is the one supporting character from this generation of Degrassi to make a big enough impression to land on this list. I read a rumor that he was meant to be a main character but got the boot for being chronically late, not sure if that’s true or not. But he served as the new man in a love triangle between Emma and Sean during the third season. He talked like Mush Mouth from Fat Albert and had amazing lines like, “It’s your boy C-Dog, in the house.” and “Kiss sweet bacon” Too bad he stay was short-lived, I don’t have enough fodder for my Chris Sharpe impersonation. Also, the only thing he loves more than DJ is milkshakes, especially of the strawberry variety.
Jay Hogart
Label: Bad ass
Jay was a scum bag, but he was a scum bag with charm. He started out as the leader of the Candy Bandits who robbed vending machines and coffee shops for chocolate bars. He also brought the Montreal Crew to Degrassi. His biggest highlight was being king of the ravine and epically giving notoriously good girl Emma gonorrhea of the mouth and a couple sweet looking ravine bracelets. He calmed down a lot when he started dating Manny but thankfully never really lost his edge. Man this show needs another character like him.
Alex Nunez
Label: Bad girl
Alex had one of the better character arcs, starting out as Jay’s girlfriend and majorly kicking ass and taking names with him and most of his hookups when he gave her a social disease and cheated on her. She then realized she was a lesbian and had an on-off relationship with Paige for a while. Her mother was also and idiot who dated this deadbeat that ran up their credit and got arrested for embezzlement charges. Forced to make ends meet Alex had to strip! But then idiot mom took her skripper tips and bailed deadbeat bf out of jail. Way to put your child first, Mom. She eventually got written off to stay with a cousin who lived in the boondocks of Canada. Random fun fact: there was a rumor circulating that the chick who played Alex was going to be in a live action movie adaptation of Sailor Moon as one of the Sailor Scouts. Clearly, that didn’t happen.
Darcy Edwards
Label: Judgmental Christian chick
I’ll never understand how this character was so popular. She was so judgy and walked around like she was better than everyone else with her stupid abstinence ring that she probably got for $3.99 in a Claire’s sales bin. Plus she was such a hypocrite. She got all pissy wissy with bf Spinner for having a sexual past before he knew her. But then turned around and posted sexy photos of herself on the interwebs to get money for new Spirit Squad uniforms. If you’re getting $$ for your goods, it’s called p-tution, just sayin.’ She then started dating the kid who took the pics and sold her out to a pedophile, so she’s obviously not Mensa material. During a snowboarding trip she got roofie raped and turned 800 shades of crazy and started hitting on Mr. Simpson then accused him of molesting her. Thank God her scrawny butt was shipped off to Africa.
Peter Stone
Label: Creeper
Man oh man, Peter started out as having the potential to become a registered sex offender. His first appearance had him videotaping a drunk Manny without her shirt on and sending it to the entire school. What a skeez. Then he convinced Darcy to post sexy pics of herself on the web and convinced a pedophile to come looking for her. He was then able to win idiot Darcy over and they eventually dated. As always though, they have to make all their characters eventually “likeable” and he helped Darcy out with dealing with the aftermath of her rape. Other highlights include becoming a meth addict for a grand total of 33 minutes and starting a nightclub for high school kids.
Mia Jones
Label: Teen Mom
Mia started out looking like an awful Bon Jovi groupie with her big hair and 3 pieces of wispy hair for bangs and huge moustache. After her bf J.T. was stabbed to death she immediately forgot about him. For most of her duration on the show she also forgot about her kid, Isabella. Seriously, I can cut a teen mom some slack but Mia was the worst. She got drunk and partied with baby daddy, would go to school dances, sleep with football players to get modeling jobs, half the time I forget she even had a kid. Social services intervened once but clearly they didn’t do a very good job. Her last season on the show she got this lucrative modeling career and was sent to Paris for this high-paying gig. Now the actress is on the CW’s Twilight TV series and is going to be in the film adaptation of Perks of Being a Wallflower. She’s really moved up in the world.
Damian Hayes
Label: Playa
Damian really shouldn’t have been a main character. And technically he should be part of the new batch of characters they added on when the originals started getting too old. But he really only ever interacted with Manny, Emma, and Liberty. And that’s pretty much all he did was serve as a hook-up for each of them. He dated Manny for legit 2 seconds. Then Emma was tired of being predictable so she started dating him. He then cheated on her with Liberty, at prom. SCANDAL! After graduation he was never heard from again, thank the Canadian gods.
I enjoy watching Degrassi: The Next Generation and I don’t care who knows it. It’s Canadian teen melodrama, with cringe worthy acting and plots that have more holes than a block of Swiss cheese, but it’s mindless and entertaining and that’s good enough for me. The show started out with semi-decent writing but over time it’s gotten painfully bad. With no signs of stopping until at least 2051, it’s only going to get worse. They keep adding new characters and none of the originals are on it anymore. This is my attempt to keep track of every main character ever featured on the series, which means this is going to be an epic 122572357 parter.
Emma Nelson
Label: Activist girl
Emma was the catalyst for relaunching the series from the original 80s version. Her mother was the top dog teen hoochie mama from that version and had a baby at 13. Emma is a vegetarian, is constantly protesting something to do with the environment, and famously got gonorrhea of the mouth from Jay at the Ravine. She also started out the series as the homeliest kid ever, but eventually grew into her face. She was always in an on again off again relationship with Sean, but it wasn’t meant to be as she ended her time on the show marrying up Spinner, because the writers did not know what else to do with those two. Her other high and low lights include: successfully tracking down her brain damaged birth father, almost getting shot during the school shooting, and having an eating disorder for 20 minutes.
“Wheelchair” Jimmy Brooks
Label: The jock
Yes before he was known as Lil’ Wayne’s rapping protege “Drake” he was on Degrassi. His even bore a striking resemblance to Barack Obama his first 2 seasons. Jimmy was the popular basketball star on was best buds with Spinner until that jerk framed in the notorious school shooting episode. As a result, the nickname ‘Wheelchair” Jimmy was born. Not just an athlete, he was also a sensitive artist, guitar player for Craig’s band, and Ashley’s on/off bf. When he and Spinner kissed and made up they opened a t-shirt shop together. Apparently Canadian banks allow high school students to open up businesses with no parental consent and zero work or management experience. Jimmy left Degrassi to go to become a lawyer and get stem cell surgery. Last he was heard from he got engaged to a girl who was also paralyzed. That’s real forward thinking writers.
Terri MacGregor
Label: Fat friend
Poor Terri was basically the figurative punching bag for pals Ashley and Paige (you know they loved using her to make themselves feel better). And literal punching bag for abusive boyfriend Rick, the Terri meets cinder block episode was one of the most epic in Degrassi history. At least she had a successful stint as a plus sized model and helped Craig come to terms with his dad’s death but peaced out after only 3 seasons.
Ashley Kerwin
Label: Bitch
Ashley was supposed to be the likable, popular chick but she always came off as whiny and annoying. Plus she was very mean to her best friend Terri. The queen of first world problems she had the nerve to bitch about having an annoying step-brother and gay but supportive father to her friends that included a motherless fat chick and a goth girl who cut herself because of her alcoholic mother. Seriously Kerwin, know your damn audience. She left for a while but resurfaced to be an even bigger biatch to her crippled boyfriend until she eventually and thankfully left for good. No wonder Craig cheated on her.
Liberty Van Zandt
Label: Nerd girl
High strung, over-achieving, and annoying. I can’t believe J.T. had sex with her let alone knocked her up. Yikes. Other highlights include idolizing Napoleon, giving her kid up for adoption, and being class president and valedictorian. By the time she hit college she was actually likable. But the damage had already been done during her 7 seasons prior.
Manny Santos
Label: Slut
Manny started out innocently enough as Emma’s sidekick. But eventually she had to break free of that and let it all hang out, literally. She started wearing crop tops and booty shorts and jeans that showed off her thongs until she finally caught Craig’s eye and he cheated on Ashley with her. But then she got preggers: on no! After aborting mission, she continued down her slutacious path by revealing her goodies on camera. The final straw for her parents came when she told them she wanted to be an actress and they kicked her out. Really? An unrealistic career goal is more offensive than getting knocked up at 12 and flashing s video camera? By senior year Manny calmed down and won over the heart of bad-boy Jay. I guess if you’ve sowed all your wild oats by age 15 there’s really not much more for you do to.
Toby Isaacs
Label: Geek
Poor Toby royally got the shaft. The problem is Degrassi so desperately wants to be an ensemble show and show all types of kids and they did for the first few seasons but after a while they geared their focus more towards the popular, good-looking characters, so Toby got demoted. Hell, by the time they killed J.T. off, there was nothing for him. He was best known for being a computer genius who could hack his way into anything except a girl’s pants. He dated Spinner’s adopted sister for a while and struggled with an eating disorder. Last we saw of him he was hosting Bot Wars Canada. Good for him.
Gavin “Spinner” Mason
Label: Douche
Spinner gets his nickname because he has ADD. Apparently that also names you prime d-bag material too. He was often tooling around as Jimmy’s doofy sidekick ’til Jimmy got shot because Spin and Jay framed him. Eventually Jimmy and Spinner kissed and made up and he became more tolerable. Other highlights include boycotting the caf, working at the Dot, battling teste cancer, owning a t-shirt store with Jimmy, and eventually marrying Emma. Both were on the show for a total of 17 seasons each, but interacted all of 4 times before getting hitched. Bravo shoddy writers.
J.T. Yorke
Label: Class clown
J.T. was the comic relief for a while. He and Toby were best buds and navigated the waters of puberty and penis pumps together. J.T. grew to become more popular and ditched his geeky friend like a bad habit, but they always managed to kiss and make up. J.T. famously knocked up Liberty then OD’ed on Oxy like a boss to help deal with that. Once him and Liberty ended things he took up with teen mom Mia (didn’t he learn his lesson the 1st time, Baby Mama Drama=Bad News Bears) But nope that’s what lead to his demise. At least he went out in a blaze of glory, he got shanked by a ginger and died in a puddle of pee.
Paige Michalchuk
Label: Mean girl
Paige was the girl that everybody loved to hate with the snappy yet oh-so-witty comebacks. When she got raped in season 2 she became a lot nicer. Once thing I will say is, she never lost her edge and she was HBIC for the first several seasons. She also became bisexual and dated Alex for a while, had an affair with a hot student teacher, burned out of Banting University, and had a HIV scare, which never got resolved.
Sean Cameron
Label: “Bad Boy” with the heart of gold
14 year olds should not have 6 packs like this kid. He’s legal and well in his 20s now, so fair game. But still, why the producers didn’t take advantage of him being shirtless more is beyond me. But when he was, jackpot! But I digress. His first few seasons he unrealistically dated ugly Emma, then smartened up and lived in sin with the much cooler Elli until the school shooting when he peaced out for a while. He came back and dated attractive Emma only to leave for the Army. I miss you Sean and all your rebellious ways.
Allow me to wax nostalgic about one of the greatest game shows of all time. Forget iCarly, forget Spongebob, forget whatever else is on Nickelodeon these days, the 9os were where it was at for that network. And from 1993-1995 that network gave us a show centered around a Mayan temple filled with lost treasured protected by mysterious (and creepy) Temple guards. Yes, Legends of the Hidden Temple.
The Stars:
Kirk Fogg was the host. And no matter how many pairs of cargo shorts he rocked or how many grand entrances he made by swinging into the studio on a rope vine or running in like he was holding the Olympic torch, he was always second banana to this:
Olmec aka a talking foam rock head. Olmec was supposed to be a “guide” but seemed to get a lot more screen time. Most game shows have these other “character” type roles, that flashy announcer on The Price is Right (RIP Rod Roddy), Marc Summers’ assistant on Double Dare (that broad’s name escapes me). Even Vanna White, queen of the 80s knew her place on Wheel of Fortune. At the end of the day, Sajak calls the shots. I wonder how many paychecks Fogg blew hitting the racetracks after filming as a result of Olmec’s popularity….
The Teams:
There were 6 teams and the formula of they typically (but not always) fared this way-
The bastard teams who never made it past the moat round: Red Jaguars and Blue Barracudas
The teams who were always middle of the pack: Orange Iguanas and Green Monkeys
The teams who dominated: Silver Snakes and Purple Parrots
The Rounds:
Round 1 consisted of every team crossing the moat in some wacky way i.e. on a rope or a bunch of rickety platforms. The 1st four to cross and ring their gongs moved on.
Round 2 separated the dumb jocks from those with both brains and brawn by way of asking trivia questions. Sometimes this round proved to be unfair because of faulty buzzers. Many a kid would be practically jumping on theirs to know avail and the jerk next to them simply taps it and the stupid step would light up. A few times kids would answer without being called on and good ol’ Kirk Fogg could finally lay down the law. The 1st two teams to reach the bottom of the Steps of Knowledge advanced.
Round 3 The Temple Games had the 2 remaining teams competing in physical challenges to earn Pendants of Life. Usually a kid ended up getting crushed by some foam log or falling off a platform. Hilarity would ensue. The team who scored the most Pendants of Life moved on.
Round 4 was the grand finale. The Temple Run!!! The team would run through the temple and have to do various tasks in each room and then retrieve the coveted item which was typically something like the bust of Warren G. Harding or the feminine products of Cleopatra. Hardly anyone ever won because the kids would either get taken away by those touchy feely Temple Guards or they didn’t know how to properly assemble the monkey statue in the Shrine of the Silver Monkey. This latter reason even has it’s very own Facebook fan page. That’s big time, baby.
The Prizes:
I gotta say, for a physically demanding and almost impossible to win show, the prizes were pretty crappy. Most of the budget had to have gone to the Temple Guards wardrobe and Kirk Fogg’s big entrances. The 2 losing teams walked away with a couple boxes of Charms Blowpops. Hell, if you made it to the Temple Games, consider yourself lucky if you scored a VHS copy of Land Before Time XXVII: Petrie Hits Puberty. Most of the time the ultimate grand prize was a trip for you and your family, but it was always somewhere lame like a camping trip to East Cutty, North Dakota. Thinking about my 11 year old self, and if I had hauled my small self across a moat, gotten all of those trivia questions right, kicked ass and took names in the Temple Games, AND outsmarted molesting Temple Guards only to walk away with a camping trip to a not even popular state, I’d be pissed. If you’re gonna send me to a lame location at least foot the bill for a hotel. But no, roughing it is also part of the package. Really LOFHT, just give the kids what they really want, what every kid who competes on a Nick game show desires:
SPACE CAMP!!!!!!!!!!
moreorlesley 