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May 1, 2012 / moreorlesley

50 Shades of Vomit

Ladies and gentlemen, The Hunger Games has been dethroned from the bestseller list by porno fan fic. Yes, you read that right. It’s loosely based off of the Twilight franchise, was featured on the Today show and is being peddled as “mommy porn.” Oh and the author looks like this:

Anyway, my roommate picked up the book and I regrettably drank the Kool-Aid. While I wanted to see what all the hype was about and it gave me a good laugh because it was so awful it was awesome there were times when I had to put it down and not look at it for like 2 hours. How did this crapola get published? It wasn’t even hot, some of it was just downright disgusting. I won’t spoil it if you really want to read it and also because I may spew everywhere if I type it out, but if you really want to know what I’m referring to, I suggest looking up the band L7 and their 1992 controversy. Needless to say I read the first one just to see, but I absolutely refused to finish the trilogy. Not only because it should be called 50 Shades of Vomit with regards to some of the material and also the dialogue between the 2 main characters but also because the plot line is SO ridiculous. Does this woman have NO concept of time? How can all of this go down in only like a week’s time period. I spent a good 3 years of my life watching the soap opera Passions and 50 Shades makes that look like Masterpiece theatre. So just how far will I go to avoid reading the other 2 books? I present a list of 50 things I’d rather read than finish the 50 shades trilogy.

1. Letters to Santa Claus

2. Stephanie Tanner’s memoir, Unsweetened

3. Closed captioning of a Teletubbies episode

4. A paper on animal testing I wrote with a hangover the size of the Good Year Blimp my sophomore year of college

5. Kate Moss’s grocery shopping list

6. The entire Sweet Valley series (from Sweet Valley kids to Sweet Valley High and every spin-off in between)

7. A Tiger Beat article about Justin Bieber’s favorite candy

8. Instructions on how to assemble an Ikea desk (in English and Swedish)

9. The ingredients label on a package of hot dogs

10. Stats on this season’s starting line-up of the Pittsburgh Pirates

11. A bran muffin recipe

12. Rosacea pamphlets

13. Toby Keith lyrics

14. The end credits of Glitter

15. The screenplay for Gigli

16. A stack of Thomas Kinkaid greeting cards

17. An unauthorized Don King biography

18. A pack of Magic the Gathering cards

19. The nutritional information on a jar of mayonaise

20. A flyer for a Fashion Bug (aka Trashion Bug) sale

21. A warranty for a Black & Decker appliance

22. Chicken Soup for the Inmate Soul

23. A Q&A with Tom Arnold

24. The 1987 Detroit Lions roster

25. Doogie Howser’s computer journal log

26. An ad for Psoriasis cream

27. A dumb sorority chick’s diary

28. Tyra Banks’s Modelland

29. A Big and Tall catalog

30. An Arby’s menu

31. One of Madonna’s childrens books

32. A pet iguana owner’s manual

33. Rosie O’Donnell’s craft book (this really exists, I looked it up)

34. A blog about hunting

35. Les Miserables (in French)

36. Snooki’s book

37. Stephanie Meyer’s one and only non-Twilight book

38. The food journal of a Biggest Loser contestant

39. The medal count for the 1984 Los Angeles Summer Olympics

40. Roger Ebert’s review of Point Break

41. A user manual for a lawnmower

42. Directions to the Leaning Tower of Pisa (in Italian)

43. A copy of the unofficial ‘Nsync story

44. A sixth grader’s book report on a Goosebumps story

45. A self help book for divorcing parents

46. The rules and regulations of a Catholic high school

47. The memoir of Erica Kane from All My Children (Yes a memoir of a fictitious character exists)

48. Production notes from the pilot episode of Emily’s Reasons Why Not (canceled after 1 episode)

49. Status updates for a pet’s Facebook account

50. A religious e-mail stating if you do not forward to at least 20 people bad things will happen

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