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May 2, 2012 / moreorlesley

My casting choices for the movie version of 50 Shades of Grey

Of course Hollywood has to get a piece of the action by buying up the movie rights to 50 Shades of Vomit. Not only is E.L. James a horrible writer, she also received 5 million dollars for the movie rights alone. No talent wench. I’m not bitter though, I promise. My question is, how is prude Hollywood going to make this into a marketable film? Sure, things may seem all loosey goosey, but there’s still the ratings system to think about. Didn’t Hollywood get all in a tizzy over 1 sex scene in Blue Valentine and threatened to slap it with a NC-17 rating? How in the hell are they going to stay true to the material of 50 Shades and not make it a straight up porn? Pretty dude from Lost and Twilight the CW series as well as some blonde guy from True Blood have already made it public that they want the role. Fellas, I get that there’s a lot at stake here money wise but do you think casting directors can ever really look at you the same way if you’ve starred as Christian Grey, the Dominant with a red room of pain and a crack whore mother, who makes such idiotic statements as “You taste mighty fine, Ms. Steele”? The answer is no, no they can’t. It could put those careers in serious jeopardy. You think people see R. Patz as anything but a sparkly vampire with a bad American accent? I know I don’t. Below are my picks for the movie cast:

Christian Grey:

Scott Baio

Now, I don’t care if he’s too old, hear me out with this one: he’s been with anyone from Pamela Anderson in her prime to Liza Minelli. Ergo, he’s the only man proven to be dirty enough for the job. Back in the day Chachi may have been cute but he was never People’s Sexiest Man material. Fact. So how did he bag every Playmate from 1979 through 1992 without fail? Conclusion: he has his own red room of pain.

Anastasia Steele:

Amanda Bynes

Ana is annoying and stupid, just like most of Amanda Bynes’s past roles. She starts out being all sweet and innocent. Just like Bynes had everyone fooled with her squeaky clean “role model” image. Then Ana meets Christian and turns out to be scandalous. AB got herself a DUI, shame, shame. Plus she could use the money to do something about that hair. Sweet Tarts are not found in nature, so you shouldn’t color your hair like one.

Kate

Sienna Miller

She’s blonde and….there. Just like Kate, Ana’s roommate.

Jose

Lou Diamond Phillips

Jose is supposed to be Mexican according to the book. He also has an affinity for tequila and tries to take advantage of his friend Ana when she’s drunk. Every other line he has is, “Ay Dios Mio Ana!” No, Ms. James does not play into stereotypes. At all. Nobody plays a better cholo than Lou Diamond Phillips. Nobody. Also, he’s Hollywood’s go to when they need to fill in role of Hispanic person. Young Guns, La Bamba, the list goes on so I won’t. Just imdb him.

Mrs. Jones

Betty White

I would have said my go to old lady choice, Maggie Smith, but then I found out through the amazing tumblr, 50 Shades of Suck: http://50shadesofsuck.tumblr.com/ that Mrs. Jones, Christian’s housekeeper cleans his toys and whatnot from the red room of pain. There’s only 1 old lady dirty enough for that job. You go, Betty.

Taylor

Steve Wilkos

I know he’s not an actor, but I don’t think this character: a bodyguard, confidant, chauffeur, whatever to Christian has any lines. I’m not even sure that’s the character’s correct name, but I don’t care enough to double check.

Ana’s Subconscious

Kristen Stewart

Apparently Anastasia Steele is a modern day Sybil, she’s always talking about her subconscious admonishing her for being a sloot. Apparently her subconscious is a real Debby Downer. Who better than the poster child for Prozac herself: Kristen Stewart. Seriously, this chick’s monotone 1 note acting is only good for something so stupid like Ana’s “subconscious.” And smile, bitch! Jeez, if you think your life is “so hard” let’s trade places. I’ll gladly trade student loan payments and Ramen noodle dinners for a couple papparazzi photos and a few million dollar paychecks. Despite being another no-talent hack, at least E.L. James is all smiles over her good fortune. You could learn a thing or 2 from her, KStew and I’m not talking about the Dom/Sub lifestyle.

Anastasia’s Inner Goddess

RuPaul

In addition to her subconscious, we frequently hear from Ana’s “Inner Goddess” who at times dresses like a cheerleader and says things like, “You go girl!” I didn’t finish the trilogy but I bet Inner Goddess threw out a “You better work!” too. RuPaul as Anastasia’s Inner Goddess would be the ultimate selling point to see the movie. Truth.

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